New and old jokes about everything
A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They"™re immediately taken back to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.
"This must be a mistake," the man says. "I"™ve been here only 20 minutes!"
"No mistake," the doctor says. "It"™s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine."
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
Teacher: Paul, give me a sentence beginning with "I".
Paul: I is the...
Teacher: No, Paul! You must say "I am" not "I is."
Paul: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up! You"™re next!"
An elderly husband and wife go to the doctor. After the elderly man's examination, the doctor said:
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do." said the old man. "After I have sex with the wife, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
The doctor could not find any explanation for this.
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she has no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her:
"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that silly bugger!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in December and the second time is in June..."
It"™s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"˜No,"™ says the neighbour. "˜The seat is empty."™
"˜This is incredible,"™ said the man. "˜Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?"™
The neighbour says, "˜Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven"™t been to together since we got married."™
"˜Oh, I"™m so sorry to hear that. That"™s terrible -.But couldn"™t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?"™ The man shakes his head.
"˜No,"™ he says. "˜They"™re all at the funeral."™
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!
Condom: Hahaha...
